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PostSubject: HELP! :)   Thu Aug 26, 2010 3:17 pm

Okay so I currently have 24 WIPS. Yaya I know some of you will be going Shocked and some will be more Cool . But I'm currently trying to plan some of my stories and am having difficulty with some of them. I have an ending to a short story and I would love general and specific critiques on it and what you think a good beginnig would be. Just to get me started on it. Thanks BB. Very Happy

My hands bound, as the waves crash around me. I wait for the verdict, my life no longer in my own. I have too many sins on my soul to expect a good outcome, but I wouldn't change a single thing I did. I only hope that he managed to escape; I don't want him to be punished for my sins. The salty water of the sea sprays my face, my eyes water. The cruel wind whips my long chestnut hair and batters my body. I can feel nothing; my soul has been empty since long ago. I have the blood of innocence on my hands and the blackest of black hearts. The men around me keep their swords pointed. If I make a single move, I shall die. I care not what happens to me now. As long as Ian escaped.

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PostSubject: mmhmm   Thu Aug 26, 2010 5:50 pm

is this a romance cause if it is thats an awsome start!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that is really amazing
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PostSubject: Re: HELP! :)   Thu Aug 26, 2010 7:23 pm

It is a romance, a fantasy romance. Originally I was thinking this would be the ending, but a lot of people have been saying that it's a good start to a story. So I think I'll use this as a starter. Very Happy
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PostSubject: k   Thu Aug 26, 2010 8:15 pm

glad i could help! XD it is a good begginning
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PostSubject: Re: HELP! :)   Thu Aug 26, 2010 8:24 pm

TY!
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PostSubject: Re: HELP! :)   Fri Aug 27, 2010 12:26 pm

IT IS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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PostSubject: Re: HELP! :)   Fri Aug 27, 2010 12:31 pm

TY! Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: HELP! :)   Fri Aug 27, 2010 2:42 pm

have you got anymore done? i would love to read the rest of this
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PostSubject: Re: HELP! :)   Fri Aug 27, 2010 2:44 pm

I haven't got anymore of this particular one, but I do have some similar unfinished pieces if you would like to see those. I'm currently working on about 24 WIPS and this is one of them.

I'll post the other ones for now. Very Happy

Oh and in case your wondering which WIP it is from my signature it's currently called 'prisoner' but it might change. Smile
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PostSubject: Re: HELP! :)   Fri Aug 27, 2010 2:47 pm

yay!!!! thats awsome!! thank you
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PostSubject: Re: HELP! :)   Sun Aug 29, 2010 10:54 pm

What you have would (in my opinion) be able to be used for either the beginning or the end, however, as the main character is only just being described, i think most readers will have assumed it to be the beginning. It would be nice to know what it is he escaped from though, so having it as a beginning and reliving memories could work, or you could stick with your initial idea of having it as the ending.
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PostSubject: Re: HELP! :)   Mon Aug 30, 2010 9:59 am

i think its awsome for a beginning and then you elaborate if the person escapes.
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PostSubject: Re: HELP! :)   Mon Aug 30, 2010 12:13 pm

TY. I think I might need to re-word it a little if I'm going to use it as a beginning, but I think this will work. Wish me luck.
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PostSubject: Re: HELP! :)   Mon Aug 30, 2010 2:18 pm

good luck XD
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PostSubject: Re: HELP! :)   Tue Aug 31, 2010 6:48 pm

Okay so here is an updated version of 'Prisoner'.

My hands bound, as the waves crash around me. I wait for the verdict, my life no longer in my own. I have too many sins on my soul to expect a good outcome, but I wouldn't change a single thing I did. I only hope that he managed to escape; I don't want him to be punished for my sins. The salty water of the sea sprays my face, my eyes water. The cruel wind whips my long chestnut hair and batters my body. I can feel nothing; my soul has been empty since long ago. I have the blood of innocence on my hands and the blackest of black hearts. The men around me keep their swords pointed. If I make a single move, I shall die. I care not what happens to me now. As long as Ian escaped.

5 years earlier

The old man's breath wheezed from his lungs. Sienna, her body covered by a large shapeless brown cloak stood near his bed, his daughter and her husband waiting outside per her request, despite a few grumblings from the husband.

She never went to do a healing without the cloak now, she had had a few too many close calls with the Seiten Emperors men over the past few months. She had dealt with the men, but in a way she was not proud of.

The God has given her free rein to heal as she wished but he had given her, 2, assignments this month so she was extra cautious. No one but her and the God knew of her new power and she was making sure that it stayed that way. She would be devastated if Ian ever looked at her like the monsters he believed the Emperors men to be.

Now that the room was empty but for the old man and herself, Sienna peeled the glove off her left hand. She never took the right one off now, she was afraid of the possible repercussions of it, if she accidently touched someone with it. From the recesses of the hood Sienna looked at the old man. She could hear the rattle of his breath, his wasted body thin and gaunt. As she reached out and held his paper thin hand she felt the cool clamminess of his skin. He was very close to death, his daughter wouldn't have called her otherwise. She was the last resort for the dead and the dying.

She called her power from her body, it was much like opening a tightly close fist. Her power was always there, and she had to be careful to not let it leak out. She had had to learn that the hard way, her neighbours dog was still alive despite having already lived for 20 years, an unnatural age for a beast. She felt the tingle of her power pass through her hand to the old man's body. A small gasp was torn from his throat as he felt the hot electrical tingle of her power pass through his body. An in definitive amount of time passed as she felt the man's soul energy returning. She could heal anyone as long as they had, even just a drop of soul energy left. Even past the point where most doctors declared the person dead. The man's hand started to warm up as she held it, his breathing becoming steadier. If she had laid her head on his chest she would have felt his heartbeat start to calm and beat more regularly. When she saw the man's eyes slowly flutter open, she let her hand drip from his. "Thank you," she heard the man whisper, as she slowly started to move away. Pulling on her glove as she walked. She gave him a faint smile, not that he would be able to see it.

She left the man lightly dozing as she went to the door. When the daughter saw her leaving she rushed inside to see her father. The husband staying back to thank her and to pay her.



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PostSubject: Re: HELP! :)   Tue Aug 31, 2010 6:52 pm

COOL!!!! BUT IT SEEMS LILKE IT HAS TO BE QUITE A STORY TO CHANGE HER
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PostSubject: Re: HELP! :)   Tue Aug 31, 2010 6:54 pm

ramsvolleyball1 wrote:
COOL!!!! BUT IT SEEMS LILKE IT HAS TO BE QUITE A STORY TO CHANGE HER

? I'm not completely sure what that means, could you elaborate a bit. Thanks BB.
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PostSubject: Re: HELP! :)   Tue Aug 31, 2010 6:55 pm

IT SEEMS LIKE SHE MURDERED PEOPLE, A CRIMINAL BUT RIGHT NOW SHE SEEMS NICE AND CARING
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PostSubject: Re: HELP! :)   Tue Aug 31, 2010 6:56 pm

Well I could explain to you a little if you don't mind spoilers?
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PostSubject: Re: HELP! :)   Tue Aug 31, 2010 6:57 pm

HMMM, DONT, LET ME READ THE WHOLE BOOK
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PostSubject: Re: HELP! :)   Tue Aug 31, 2010 7:04 pm

kk, but does the story make sense, I rushed a bit while writting it cause I was in the car and I also kept getting interupped by my brother, who was bored so he decided to annoy me. Evil or Very Mad
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PostSubject: Re: HELP! :)   Tue Aug 31, 2010 7:08 pm

IM SORRY, AND IT DOES MAKE SENSE
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PostSubject: Re: HELP! :)   Tue Aug 31, 2010 7:09 pm

thanks, I was a bit worried. Smile
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PostSubject: Re: HELP! :)   Tue Aug 31, 2010 7:11 pm

DONT WORRY, I'LL GIVE YOU ANY CRITIQUE YOU NEED
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PostSubject: Re: HELP! :)   Tue Aug 31, 2010 7:16 pm

TY so much! I love you (in a none weird way)
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