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 The Love I Could Never Give

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PostSubject: The Love I Could Never Give    Fri Aug 27, 2010 2:50 pm

So this is one of the other short story pieces I'm working on. I would love any general comments on it. This is only the ending bit. I want to work on the beginning bit a bit more before posting. Very Happy

The angels feathers brush my face as I cry tears of blood, staining my cheeks red. As he gently enfolds me in his embrace, I see the anguish on his face. I have caused him pain and I have made him give up everything for me. My arms cannot hold him, my heart is simply an empty shell. I tear myself from his grasp, my tears blinding me. Behind me I hear his cry, but I continue to run. I reach the graveyard of the church, my hands shaking, and my heart pumping from my exertion.

I can feel my life slipping away. The disease has nearly finished its course. Behind me I hear him approaching. I slump against the tombstone, my name engraved on it in bold letters. I turn to him, my tears finally drying on my face.

"I never loved you. Please leave, leave and go back to heaven where you belong."

The angel looks at me, devastation and hurt on his face.

"Please," he begs me, his large white wings furling around his body. "I don't want to be anywhere that your not. Don't leave, please"

I look at him, blood slowly trickling from my mouth. "I'm not able to love, I've never been able to love you.

I can see how my words tear at him, as I feel my life slipping faster and faster away. I close my eyes, too weak to keep them open, the last sigh of my breath leaving my lips.

The last thing I hear, as I feel myself float towards the warmth of deaths hands, is the wail of the angel, as he sees me die.



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PostSubject: Re: The Love I Could Never Give    Fri Aug 27, 2010 2:53 pm

oh wow, that sounds exciting!!!
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PostSubject: Re: The Love I Could Never Give    Fri Aug 27, 2010 2:59 pm

haha, thank you!
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PostSubject: Re: The Love I Could Never Give    Fri Aug 27, 2010 3:02 pm

mmhmm, anything else for this one?
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PostSubject: Re: The Love I Could Never Give    Fri Aug 27, 2010 3:03 pm

I do have the beginning if you want. It pretty short and rough, but I'll post it if you want. confused
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PostSubject: Re: The Love I Could Never Give    Fri Aug 27, 2010 3:04 pm

if you dont want to you dont have to
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PostSubject: Re: The Love I Could Never Give    Fri Aug 27, 2010 3:07 pm

no I do. I just don't want you to be dissapointed. But I always prefer honest opinions over flattery. So I'll post it and let you see how it is. Smile

Daddy came home drunk again. I was woken when he crashed into the house, yelling about how everybody was better off than him. I learnt from a young age to stay away from him when he was like this. The bruises still hadn't faded from the last time he'd come home drunk. I lay curled up in my dresser. I had a special hiding place that nobody else knew about and when daddy came home like today, I would curl myself up in here so that he couldn't find me.

I waited for what seemed like hours as crashes and shouts from downstairs made it impossible to sleep. I laid my cheek against the cool rough wood of the dresser, my fingers tracing patterns on the wood. I wondered when daddy would fall asleep. My tummy was rumbling and I needed to go pee. I forced my legs tighter together, trying to hold in the pee as I laid my hand over my stomach. I was scared the loud rumbling would let daddy know where I was.

As the minutes ticked by I became more and more desperate. I really needed to pee. My bladder felt like it was going to burst. Pushing the false door of the bottom of the dresser, I silently crawled out and pushed open the doors, hurriedly running to the chamber pot on the other side of the room. Squatting down I felt relief in my tummy as I went pee. The bursting feeling went away, but the gnawing of hunger was still there. As I finished I stood up and went to the small thin door of my room. The walls were very thin and sometimes I heard strange noises at night from the whorehouse next to us where mommy worked. Mommy wasn't a whore herself, but she was paid to clean the rooms and cook food for the men. Listening closely I held my breath, trying to hear the subtle snore that daddy always made whenever he fell asleep after drinking.

After a few minutes I was able to hear the soft snore and quietly opened the door. There was a small hallway between my room and the kitchen, and I always had to pass mommy and daddy's room. As I carefully tiptoed down the hall, I very carefully stepped over the three creaky floorboards. I would be in big trouble if I woke daddy now. Swiftly and quietly I entered the kitchen, living room area. My furtive glances around told me daddy was passed out near the unlit hearth. We didn't really have much in the way of furniture. Both my mom and dad were too stingy to buy more than was absolutely necessary.

When I got to the kitchen, I looked around, most of the food I have bought that morning was already gone. Sneaking towards the pantry, I saw the loaf of break I had seen mommy put in there this morning. I grabbed the loaf and stated to tear chunks of it. My mouth watering at the freshness of the bread. Soon my stomach was full and the bread gone.
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PostSubject: Re: The Love I Could Never Give    Fri Aug 27, 2010 3:10 pm

poor kid!!! i like it, it has a a childness in it that adult authors try to cover up. i like it, i really do
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PostSubject: Re: The Love I Could Never Give    Fri Aug 27, 2010 3:18 pm

Thanks you! I do have a somewhat middle piece too. I have a bit of a beginning a bit of a middle and a bit of an end. LOL. Now I just need to fill in the gaps. Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: The Love I Could Never Give    Fri Aug 27, 2010 3:19 pm

kk, i cant wait to read them
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PostSubject: Re: The Love I Could Never Give    Mon Aug 30, 2010 10:08 pm

Wow I really like this! And yes it does have that childish part of it being from a kids POV that you usually won't find.
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PostSubject: Re: The Love I Could Never Give    Mon Aug 30, 2010 10:16 pm

ty! the story takes you from when she was a little kid to when she was older, so I'm hoping the POV stays strong thoughout the change. Smile
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PostSubject: Re: The Love I Could Never Give    Tue Aug 31, 2010 8:48 am

i like it, do you have anything else from this story??? i really like it
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PostSubject: Re: The Love I Could Never Give    Tue Aug 31, 2010 11:34 am

I have a bit of a middle piece. I'll post it here now.

The fancy looking lady stared down at me a clear look of disgust on her face. She held a clean white handkerchief to her nose and mouth, attempting to block out the smell of human waste and unwashed bodies. I had a very bad feeling something was going to happen, I tried to scurry further in to the shadows of the alley, my hands squishing in the waste and garbage that strewed the streets.

A lady I hadn't noticed till then came up and stood beside the fancy looking lady.

"Are you sure you want this one, miss? God, only know what disease she carries, and you can't even tell what she looks like under the filth covering her. "

"Her health is precisely why I want her. Just last week, Mrs Knightly took in a beggar off of the streets and now all I hear is how charitable she is. I'm sick of it! If I take this beggar off the street then I, shall be the one talked about and hopefully she'll die soon of whatever disease she carries. In the meantime we can stick her in some job where I won't have to see the wretched thing.." Mumbling to herself the lady turned and walked towards the carriage she had come in. Waving the guards forward they came close and closer as I attempted to evade their hands. It was a losing battle for me. I who had not eaten a meal in several weeks time, was no match for guards in perfect health. I was thrown over a particularly muscular soldier's back and carried to the horses they had rode here. Placing me on the horses back, the soldier swung himself behind me, not giving me a chance to escape. His strong arms held me to his chest, while the other held the reins of the horse as he kicked it into a gallop. I shivered and wondered what was to happen to me.
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PostSubject: Re: The Love I Could Never Give    Tue Aug 31, 2010 12:22 pm

sounds interesting, i take it the disease she carries now will kill her in the end?
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