Story that would appreciate opinions

i have a story and would love if people could tell me what they think, thanks


A stranger was passing through a quiet little village one night. He had a cloak draped over his back and the hood pulled over his head far so no one could see his face. He was drenched completely through from walking in the rain.
The reason he was walking in such conditions is a mystery and shall not be revealed until later in the story. But the purpose is he was walking and finally decided to stop at an Irish bar.
There was laughing and singing and dancing inside and he did not what to be among the cheery folk. But if he didn’t get in and out of the rain he would soon become ill. So he walked in as quietly as he could manage but he did not anticipate the bright light that blinded him for a total of five seconds. He had been in the dark for so long that he could not help from becoming momentarily confused with dizziness.
Once he regained control of himself he took everything in, all in a blink of an eye. He saw exactly what he expected.
Behind the bar was a happy fellow who was laughing heartily at something his companion said. There were people dancing in the middle of the group of tables that were set up along the walls. Some were placed nearer in the middle then others but the middle was empty pardon the dancers. There was a man sitting in a chair playing a flute along with the music. Groups were all about talking and cheering. There were drinks and food in front of almost everyone and he soon realized how hungry he truly was.
“Well Stranger, welcome! What will you be having this evenin’?” The fellow was still red in the face from laughing and happy to have someone new to tell stories.
“Aye, I’ll be having a whiskey. And some soup to fill me.” He had to croak out the words for his voice was scratchy and hoarse. But the peculiar thing was he was a handsome young lad when his hood was back and he was in the light.
“We have what you be needing here. Please sit down and make yourself comfortable. I’ll bring your food for you seem to be tired to the bone. But may I ask why you were walking in the rain? There are cars to take you along when the weather turns nasty. And where are you coming from without a car?” The man did not mean to pry but he needed to know if he was staying.
“I was walking yes but from where and why are my reasons that don’t need to be known. No offense meant but I do not like to share that sort of thing when I am tired and only what food and a drink.” He was speaking the truth but not the whole truth. What had brought him was something he could not talk about with himself, let alone others.
“I meant no disrespect. If you’ll be seated I will bring your food and drink shortly.” He pointed to an empty seat over in a corner where he could eat in peace.
“Thank you, sir.” It was all he could say for he was already sitting. From that seat he sat and ate his meal when it was brought to him. It was there he sat and waited for a long while. He was beginning to doze when he heard something that caught his ear.
“We haven’t had a new story come around these parts and I’m itching for something new. Something that’ll get me thinking if you know what I mean!” The owner of this voice was a young woman. Someone that appeared to be restless and honest, if anyone else said that he would have laughed but he decided that she should hear what story’s had to say sometimes.
He did chuckle but in such a hoarse and strangled way that everyone had stopped all conversation to listen. “Oh I have the story of a lifetime, young lady. It’s a story that’ll have war hardened fighters thinking about something they haven’t felt since a very young age in their childhood years. It’s a story of dreams and hopes, wishes and fears. Something everyone has dreamt about, and something they always kept to themselves. If you truly want to hear it you will have to gather for I can’t talk very loudly for too long and I am very weary.” He knew he had the younger folks’ attention from the mention of a story; the older folk listened when he talked about hopes and dreams.
These people loved a good story they could repeat over and over again. They loved any story for they were a story-telling village, it went without saying. But he knew this one would never die, not for two or three centuries at the least. Sure it’s given that the story might be changed over the years but you can never kill the meaning that made the story so good. He was going to tell them this story, the story that he carried with him and was as important to him as air is to any other.
“This is a story of a young girl, about twenty-three let me tell you, a young girl who was lost in the mist. A mist as thick as smoke after a wild fire.”



The mist was as thick as anything she had ever seen before and she was terribly lost in it. She was on her way home from delivering the biscuits to her Mother and Father. She was stumbling over everything and she felt like she was blind.
There was no use screaming for help because everyone lived so far apart and it was late. If it weren’t so cold she would have stayed in one spot until everything cleared but she was already soaked for she fell into a big puddle. She was determined to hurry home and get some warm clothing on her back.
That was what she was thinking until she heard a car rolling up behind her. Then all she could think was of getting a ride home. “Oh please help, please help!” She was nearly in tears until she saw the headlights that left her stunned. The next thing she knew she was on the ground groaning. “Please help, please, please…” She heard a gasp and felt strong arms around her before she passed out.
Later she opened her eyes and closed them right away after the light burned them. “Oh god, am I dead?” She heard someone start chuckling next to her.
“No lass, you’re not dead. As the matter of fact you are quite alive! How are you feeling?”
How dare he laugh, he hit me with the car and he’s laughing! “I feel like I’m dead which I made quite clear unless I’m mistaken. Where am I and who are you?” She arched her words and in reply got another chuckle from the man next to her. “I don’t mean to seem rude but could you please stop laughing, I already feel humiliated enough.”
“Oh lass, I’m sorry. It was misty out and I hear someone yelling help, then I must have hit you with my car. I brought you to my home until you feel good enough to leave. Now that I’ve answered your questions please answer mine. What were you doing out in the fog and all wet? I got you changed into my robe for now until your clothes dry.”
She hadn’t realized she had his robe on. When she finally processed that she flushed a deep scarlet.
“Don’t worry, I only got you changed, nothing…” He couldn’t find the right words. “Nothing intrusive or anything of that sort and it was in the dark so I didn’t see much really.” There, that seemed adequate. But he realized that she had gone from scarlet to a very deep scarlet. At that he laughed heartily and felt obliged to apologize. “I’m sorry for embarrassing you more and I’ll try and hold my tongue.”
At that she had to laugh no matter how she felt. She managed to talk after awhile. “Well now that we got through that I’m afraid I haven’t introduced myself. I’m Mary, Mary Walsh. I’m sorry for putting you through the trouble of taking care of me and I am very grateful.”
“I’m Colin Greene and my home is open to you for as long as you need it. But I’m afraid that you were unconscious for three days Mary. You’re probably terribly hungry. You will eat something and get a little drink in you. You’re as pale as a ghost.” He was truly concerned for her and he needed to take care of her.
“Is this how you always make a first impression? Take care of someone like they were your younger brother or sister? I will have to warn you that I can get used to being pampered and I might not want to leave.” She was starting to feel better and was hungry, terribly hungry, just like he said.
“I hit you with the car and it’s only right if I help you feel better. But no I don’t normally make a first impression like this. Now come off of that bed and I’ll help you downstairs. There we go, gently.” He thought she was quite beautiful and he had to choke down a laugh while he helped her off of the bed.
She refused to be picked up off of the bed and said she would do it herself. But while she was swinging her legs off the edge she yelped when pain shot trough her whole body. “That does it, I’m going to carry you and you will only hurt yourself if you try and fight.” He tried his best to sound stern but it was hard to when he saw the look of horror on her face. “I’m not going to drop you or anything of the sort, now trust me ok?”
She nodded her head but she felt like a child being picked up and she detested the idea.
He gently picked her off of the bed and started to cross the room.
“Hey! You said get me off the bed, not carry me! Let me down, please!” She would not be carried.
“It was easier to get you dressed when you were unconscious then it is to get you down stairs. We haven’t left the room and you’re arguing.” He started laughing and ignored her attempts to get down. After a few attempts the pain was too much for her to bear and she let him carry her to the kitchen.
“Now that we’re downstairs will you please put me down? This is becoming unbearable!” She wanted to be on the ground again and in her own power.
“Ok, ok. There we go, nice and easy and into the chair. Stay here and I’ll go get you a bowl of soup I cooked up this morning with a little bread. I have some tea waiting too for you.” He rushed to get everything together as fast as he could, hoping she would stay in the chair.
She didn’t want to stay in the chair but the pain was too much for her to bear. Her shoulders and back hurt to the point where she wouldn’t move them unless she had too. Her legs felt like fire and it was hard to breath. She choked down coughs so he wouldn’t come and spoon her medicine like a child.
He set the food in front of her and asked as politely as he could manage if she needed help eating.
“Oh don’t even ask! No, I’m sorry about the way I’m acting, you’re trying to help and I’m being a brat. I do need help eating if you wouldn’t mind helping.” She looked at him with the innocence of a child.
“You’re gonna break my heart with that look Mary.” He grinned sheepishly, “of course I don’t mind helping you. What do you want to eat first?”
With a sigh she replied, “I don’t care.”
“Okay, open wide!”
There was a small bond being forged when he helped her eat, something that can’t be made on purpose but only happens when you least expect it.
But he finished helping her eat her meal and put the dishes into the sink. “Well you got your meal and we still have the rest of the day. If you don’t remember today is Friday. Is there anyone I need to call up and tell them you’ll be out for awhile, work or something, family?”
“No, I work a little at the tavern but I don’t work this week and my family won’t think of it if I’m not home. Thank you for all of this.” She was truly grateful for all of this and she had no idea how she was ever going to repay him back for it all.
“Then I will put you back in bed so we can watch a movie or something. I don’t want you out of bed for awhile. It’ll only for a little bit okay Mary?”
“Yes Colin, if you say so. I’m not in that much of a position to argue with you.”
“If it hurts to do something I want you to ask me to do it. Okay? Good, then we can watch that movie.” loved watching movies with other people; she didn’t do it that often.
“I’ll get you back in bed and I’ll let you pick the movie out. While you’re doing that I’ll cook some popcorn.”
“That would be wonderful, thank you!” Movies and popcorn, and someone to watch the movie with!
He helped her into the bedroom and showed her what the movies were. While she was pondering he slipped down the stairs and started the popcorn.
When he had it on a tray and some tea for her he carried it upstairs. “The food is served!”
“You didn’t need to make tea, but thank you. I picked out a movie, here, take it. I can’t put it in myself or it would have already been in. It’s not fair to make you do all of this.” She felt really bad about it but the smell of the popcorn had her losing interest in his reply.
He put the movie in and he relaxed in a wooden chair next to the bed.
“No you don’t Mr. Greene, I want you to go on the bed and I can sit in the chair. You have dark circles around your eyes and I won’t have it, okay?” It was her turn to pamper. “I think I can walk a little bit so there is no more need for you too do anymore work. My arms don’t hurt nearly as much so I can use them too, please.”
“Mary, I can’t do that, I’m taking care of you for a little so you stay there and I’ll stay here.” He couldn’t, it wasn’t in him to take while she gave, so he was going to stay where he was.
“Well here’s something really interesting, I’m as stubborn as a horse so if you won’t sit on the bed, I’ll sit in the floor!” There, let him have that!
“Oh you are stubborn. How about we both sit on the floor, no one will feel bad that way. Agreed?”
“Agreed peacemaker.” She moved to the foot of the bad and slipped down. “Okay, bring that tray and start the movie please.” She settled down against the bed next to him and grabbed a handful of popcorn. “You know I’m going to have to go home soon, I have a horse to feed.” She wanted to stay here but she knew her responsibilities and this wasn’t one of them. Though she would have to pay him back sometime and she couldn’t begin to think what would be adequate.
“You have a horse? Anybody help you with them or do you do all the chores by yourself?”
“By myself of course, the nearest neighbor is half a mile down the road. It isn’t that much work, Sally is the only one. I exercise her and everything. She’s out in the field right now, very capable of taking care of herself. I have her there if I’m going away for a day, like I was when you found me. There’s a stream and plenty of grass, but there’s also a shed there in case it’s raining with feed in it. So she’s okay for the time being.”
“Wow, you plan everything out don’t you? Well I can take you home tomorrow morning if you want. But I would like your number so I can check up on you for a little bit.”
Great, now I had to give him my number? I want to get out of here and back home where I belong. Riding my horse across the fields and brushing her afterwards. Why was I taken away from her, even the briefest of time, I can’t be away from her that long. Then she had a flashback from the long past.
She was a thoroughbred, one that won the Derby until she sprained her knee. They were going selling her but didn’t trust anyone to take her with the bad knee.
Walking past the empty stables, pardon the horses, she heard a horse screaming. It was the most horrid thing she ever heard. She found the horse laying on her side and blood pooling around her. Her knee couldn’t bear her weight and buckled and she fell onto the side and scraped her side.
Mary was the vet for her parents’ horses when her mentor retired. So she knew exactly how to handle the situation.
There was no time to get help so she took charge of the situation. Talking to the horse and trying to calm her she examined the wound on her side. It wasn’t too deep but she was losing blood fast. Grabbing the emergency kit that was kept in every stable, she managed to stitch up the wound.

Cool I love it so far

If you want opinions on it, maybe you should move it to the Critique needed section. Would you like me to move it for you?

sure, if you want but i just like people reading it really, but critique is nice. if its no trouble for you

Alright, I'll move it, but if you want me to move it back, don't hesitant to ask (:

thank you, i hope i get some advice

Well to be honest It's a little hard to get through, but It's just the formatting. Could you maybe post smaller amounts so that we can look at little pieces of it at a time. Because I'm one of those people who get overwhelmed by large amounts of info. Thanks BB.

yeah!!! of course i can, sorry about that. but now that i have all that i worked on out i'll post it in smaller amounts XD

TY. It seems really interesting but it's kinda hard to evaluate it all at once.

i understand completely. i'll try and fix it later on

ok, here is the next part. i dont put the chapters until i have the whole book finished:
There was no time to get help so she took charge of the situation. Talking to the horse and trying to calm her she examined the wound on her side. It wasn’t too deep but she was losing blood fast. Grabbing the emergency kit that was kept in every stable, she managed to stitch up the wound. The knee needed support, but she managed to steady the horse for the time being.
Luckily for her a group of stable hands were coming from their break. When they saw her they went stark white. “I would appreciate a little help please.” She was groaning from the weight of the horse. Never before has she realized how much weight goes on just one leg.
“I’ll go an-and call for s-some help.” He stammered and ran out.
The owners came and saw how bad the horse was doing but also saw how much she cared about the horse. They were going to sell her anyways, but couldn’t find anyone. They thought she was the perfect person to own the horse.
Two hours after the incident Mary had a new horse and a new place of confidence. That’s how she felt before she got home. The trouble of where to keep the horse was okay for now, she wasn’t fit to be moved anywhere. But later… sooner or later she would have to deal with her ex. But while walking her horse she realized that she didn’t really love him.
She didn’t love him and she was going to leave him. He wasn’t going to control her life anymore and he wouldn’t hurt her one more bit. “I have made up my mind and I will stick it up.” The horse neighed as if in reply. “And do you know what I’m going to call you? I’m going to call you Honey. You’re the same color and such a sweet tempered horse. How do you like your new name?” This time Honey stamped her horse and neighed in reply. She put her hand on Honey’s cheek and rubbed her all the way up to her ears. “You like that don’t you?” She stared into her eyes and lost all track of time.
Sadly she did remember when she broke it off with her boyfriend. That was the most frightening memory she had. After talking with her horse she left for the hotel they were staying at. After the negotiations for the horse the past owners left her the name and number of someone who was going back to Ohio with her horses.
Mary called the person and scheduled a time where they could meet and they would leave for Ohio. That was the easy part, now she had to avoid her boyfriend until she could leave. The bright side was it was only one night; they were leaving in the morning. The bad thing was he came to the hotel drunk. When he was drunk it meant she had to either hide or take another beating from him. She always lost her temper with him and she always got beat after it. She was stupid or anything of the sort, she knew she had to leave but was always scared he would find her. But Honey gave her a reason that she used as solid ground and would hold it.
She decided to leave for dinner, but she was one minute too late.
“Oh my dear Mary, come to finally share my bed?” He was slurring his words and it took her a moment to figure out what he had said. When she did, well there went the leash on her temper.
“I won’t be sharing a bed with the likes of you! After tonight I won’t be sharing anything with you!” She realized, only too late, her mistake.
“And what do you mean by that?” Anger cleared the slur in his words and he was perfectly audible.
“It means I’m taking a vacation to see my parents. I haven’t seen them in five years, they may need some help. We were never a rich family.” The one thing she learned to do very well was lie.
“Your parents don’t need help or they would have contacted you. They are worthless and they are peasants, just like you.” He had a slur in his voice again and was mumbling, but she heard him perfectly.
“Peasants are they? In that case you must be dirt because they have more respect than you ever had or ever will.” She had no control over herself now. “Don’t you ever speak of my family ever again you worthless pig!”
“Worthless pig, am I now?” He grabbed her shoulders and shook her. “I am tired of your tongue lashing out at me.” When she tried to break free he slapped her. Only then did either of them realize they were in the lobby full of people watching the argument. When he slapped her again and drew blood from her lip two men pulled him back. She was on the floor and the last thing she saw was his boot coming up and kicking her.
After she was knocked unconscious he was pulled away and someone was calling the police.
When she woke up she was on the couch in the lobby, it was about midnight. She woke up groaning and someone came to her immediately. “God, why am I still in the lobby? Is he… is he gone?” She could only whisper right now.
“Yes, miss, he’s gone. Do you want anything?”
“No, but I need to go somewhere at six, I need to go back to Ohio with Mrs. Lamber. Will I be able to go?” She wanted to leave as soon as possible.
“Yes you may. The doctor said all you needed was plenty of water and sleep. Out for a couple of hours were you.”
So she got to her parents in Ohio without anymore trouble. She was fine, until now. Now she needed to get home, needed to see Honey.

okay so now I'm confused. Is this the actually written story, or it this just what you have planned for it?

sorry, the first one was the beginning, and the second part was what is right after it, i stopped in the middle of a paragraph in the first one so i started the beginning of the paragraph so there might be a little repeat